I Want My Children To Learn Because of Me, Not In Spite Of Me

I once had an old, crusty flight instructor by the name of Frank Bogard. He was my check airman, and a bit of a surrogate grandfather to me in my days of learning how to fly.

Frank didn't just help me learn how to fly, he charged me with a duty that has reached well beyond the confines of the cockpit. It was a powerful message then, and moreso after I inherited three children, and had two more.

It happened on an unlikely day, right after my multi-engine checkride. It was no overstatement to use the word "disastrous" to describe that checkride, perhaps stopping just short enough to utter the word, since I did get my twin engine certification that day. We took off, and air traffic control was working an emergency. "November Niner three kilo Bravo, maintain between the 030 radial and the o50 radial from the Memphis Vortac, between altitudes of two thousand and three thousand one hundred feet, and maintain norad for fifteen minutes, squawk zero three zero five, ident, and hold readback until further advised". I was behind the curve before I even realized there WAS a curve. And that's a nasty place to be on a checkride, or anytime for that matter in an airplane.

And Frank killed an engine on me about right then. OUCH.

I very proudly and arrogantly chose to train in a 55 Baron for my twin. The baron compared to say, a Duchess, is like comparing a bicycle to say.....a crotchrocket. Maybe not so divergent, but you get the point.

When the engine dies on a Baron, the other engine becomes your worst nightmare. Adding to the disaster marching on, I stand about five feet tall and at the time was 120 lbs. The Baron needed a man sized leg to account for torque and roll, and it was all I could do to keep us greasy side down. Ah, those were the days living on the edge.

We landed, and Frank Bogard, master of the fly, smiled, ruffled my hair (yep, like a 13 year old!), and muttered, "You did good!". After he issued my ticket, we talked about the next ride, the Certified Flight Instructor certification. I wondered if I would be good teacher.

"Well, Jan, I'll just say this. Your students can learn BECAUSE of you, or they can learn IN SPITE of you. And it isn't a popularity contest. It's entirely up to you." I tried to live up to that standard for the last 15 years, coming to understand that Frank was right. I haven't always been popular in my teaching methods. I have probably suffered more verbal abuse that I am thankful to not have heard about. But in the end, an infamous, well-respected and loved teacher like Frank Bogard, can't be wrong. The fruits of his labor, prove it. And I hope our fruits will emerge in our children.

I hope that somewhere down the line, besides teaching all the normal stuff like plants, and birth, and ABC's, and "When the Saints Go Marching In", that all our kids get the most important stuff because of me, and because of their loving father, Rob, and not in spite of us. Like honesty. And truth. And commitment. And involvement. And empathy with a fine ear. And sympathy. And sensitivity. And giving....in a world without regard for color; or gender; or other factors that used to set us apart.

I hope we teach them that love comes from a lot of different people, and none of those people take anything away from us.

I hope we teach them that bad-talk about other people, is unnecessary and ugly and destructive and it poisons their heads and their hearts. And though in our extremely powerful positions as Mom and Dad, we may succeed in garnering and fostering their hate and anger to collaborate our positions, that there is no victory because we have cost our children the freedom to love, appreciate, embrace, and respect. It's an abuse of our parenting responsibilities, of the worst kind.

I hope they learn that the best way up, is help someone out. Promote other people A LOT.

And to try to find a way to make someone's life just a little bit easier. And to look for it, don't wait for it to come crawling to them.

I hope we will teach them when it's not only ok to take a stand - it's sometimes necessary. And to not worry when someone doesn't like it, because at the end of the day, you are true to yourself and your conscience and that's all that matters.

I pray that we teach them to practice a faith, regardless of their chosen religion.

I hope they learn that knockdown doesn't mean knockout.

I hope they learn that joy is about finding something that turns you on, and figuring out how to pay your bills with it.

I hope they learn to skip around the sides of the box, because boxes are just.....boxes.

I hope they take a sledgehammer to the glass ceiling.

I hope they never need a herd to shape their thoughts; and that they have the courage to depart when the herd is moving off the proverbial ledge. Herds have led a lot of good people to do terrible things.

I hope they learn that people who fight...have a good thing going. It's problem confrontation and resolution in one bag. And that while it may look like a blender, at least it's getting the job done. I hope they see what the other side of a storm looks like...calm, bright, clear and clean.

And I hope that they will contribute to this earth at least 51 percent of what they take, because even one percent contribution, from ever living being, is a victory.

I hope they are taught that while healthy fear is normal, unhealthy fear has to be beaten with a stick....nearly every day.

I hope we teach them to love art - and to look beyond the rudimentary initial findings to discover the beauty that lies in a complex web beneath the surface.

And to disregard the bank account in search of who one really is.

And to always, always ask why something is....and to find an answer.

I hope that when our kids are confronted with problems, they will find the people who know the most about the problem. There, they will find an answer, a solution, and a plan.

I hope we teach our kids to know what is going on in the world.

And to always ask for the other side of an argument. Without it, opinions are instantly invalidated for one set of facts are manipulated, designed, propagandized, and delivered in a way to best persuade according to personal agendas - and do not ever reflect the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

And to accept a failure, learn something important from it, make necessary changes, and go at it again.

And to be IN LIVING COLOR, and not black and white. Some of the most important things I've seen, have been because the moment was paused for me to ponder.

And to know when you've reached the end of your rope, and that you make it so that the drop off is a lovely beach and an ocean of lung-and heart-cleansing spray to unstick the head. And if it isn't naturally there....find it. It's our job to know where our reset button lies.

And that life isn't always happy.

But it isn't always sad.

And the parts of it that are happy, faaar outweigh the sad. And if it doesn't, it's time for a pivotal shift in thinking and doing.

And that saying "sorry" sometimes is good enough....and sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it just takes more.

It's important to know when "Sorry" is enough.
And when it isn't.

I hope we teach our children that there are times when nothing else matters, except that one thing. And you need to be there, no matter what. And if you do that for friends and family, you know when your time comes, and you need someone no matter what, you are covered.

I hope we teach our children to celebrate birthdays big, because the day of birth is indeed, a day to drop everything an honor a person who has changed our lives.

I hope we teach them that mourning hurts, but it's a sign that you have something invested.
And that if you don't, you....probably won't.

I hope they learn that emotion many times, steers us far, far away from "the right thing"; and that oftentimes, emotion must be downshifted to second place, and the head needs to take the driver's seat.

Hopefully we will teach them that their ideas of "the way things should be" , may only meet a short term, short sighted goal of self-satisfaction, where in the wisdom of a parent, a different decision was and should be made to uphold a more important, long term goal.

And that they accept that many times, our wisdom exercised (though the may not like it), is probably for the good of a loftier goal.

I hope they will seek to learn from the best.

And that giving up is only acceptable in the most exacerbated of circumstances.

I hope they learn that sometimes, collateral damage will occur when "doing the right thing", and it may hurt personally....but the benefit far outweighs the personal cost. And the personal cost is ALWAYS the last thing on the list to worry about.

I hope they learn that asking a lot of them is a way of making them independent and self-sufficient....which is why we are parents in the first place. And that it is a great expression of love.

and finally,

I hope they learn that there are times we may not have loved them in the exact way they wanted to be loved, but that it was love no matter what wrapper it came in, and maybe they will lower the bar to know that we did the very best we could...even when it didn't quite seem to measure up.

And that they will forgive us for our shortcomings, as they will hope their children will do, when we are finally, at last, Grandparents.